When men play the victim

 

I would like to start this post by prefacing that it's NOT ALL MEN. There is just this one incident with my guy friend that makes my blood simmer (note: not boil, because I'm not there yet but precariously close grrrr......)

Let's just call my guy friend L. I consider L a close work friend of mine as we both have relatively similar personality. L has always struggled in terms of dating and finding a long-term partner, and with reasons I won't go into here, I could see why. In the past, I've always held on to hope that he would one day find someone that appreciates him as who he is, but a few days ago I lost all hope in him and silently wished that he could work on his internalised issues before seeking love outwardly. 

He recently told me about his recent Hinge date and how they're hitting it off really well, he's really excited to hang out with her more and he could definitely see something with her in the future. Of course I was happy for him, and of course I encouraged him to tell me about his dates in excruciating details (because I love to hear people experiencing love, and also partly because I'm nosy). He told me that he's going to invite her over to watch a movie at his place, and that's when I took a little pause instead of my usual supports. 

Me: "How many dates have you guys been on?"

L: "This would be our 3rd date."

Me: "Uhm not going to lie L, isn't bringing her to your place on your 3rd date a bit too soon? To be honest if I were her I would feel a bit uncomfortable with the pace and would be a bit scared that you only want to hook up with me." (Note, their first two dates were in the span of less than 2 weeks, and they've only been talking for 3 weeks I'm pretty sure...)

 

L, starting to get slightly defensive: "Yeah but that's not my intention. Obviously I would like to go there if she's comfortable with it, but I'm definitely happy with us just watching movies."

Me: "I don't know L, I definitely feel like you're moving too fast."

L: "Yeah well she agreed to come over anyway so-"

Me: "Yeah okay I guess... personally I would feel pressured because I feel like bringing a girl over to your house is equivalent to bringing her to meet your family and I would be so scared haha..."

L: "Nah of course not. I don't know about your house Cheryl, but my house is big enough that we don't have to interact/meet my family if we don't want to." (Maybe it's me being oversensitive, but I could almost sense some snark in his tone now, almost as if he's getting a bit annoyed by me rebutting his third date idea)

I let that whole conversation slide after that because I needed to go back to my desk to *actually* work, but a few days ago he came by my desk again looking visibly upset and asked if I'm free to talk because him and the girl have "broken up". Even without asking why, I could guess what led to the demise of this relationship that hasn't even had the opportunity to fully blossom. 

We sat at a private booth (a cubicle looking, single seat couch facing one another) along the hallway for the privacy of conversation, and while I was listening to him lament, deja vu hit me and I realised that I once sat on this very same booth with another work guy friend I used to obsess over, and the fact that we were also sat here to discuss personal issues and secrets of one another. Perhaps this private booth has this natural affinity to people and their secrets? I have to admit, I was pretty distracted with this thought upon the first few minutes of sitting down. 

Long story short, he told me that the girl ultimately shut him down due to her being uncomfortable with how fast this is going (the urge to say "I told you so!" to him is so strong, but thank god I'm a lot more matured than in the past). I asked what exactly they did, and he said that they cuddled and made out on his bed while they were watching the movie, and when things started getting heaty, the girl said that she wouldn't like things to go any further when he tried to make further moves. 

L told me that he misinterpreted her words as in she doesn't feel comfortable for him to touch her, but might be open to touching him and asked instead if she would like to "touch him instead". I- I have no words for this man.... Out of all interpretation of her phrase, that would be the last thing I would've came up with. As expected, the girl was uncomfortable and expressed her discomfort through text after that date. He tried to explain that it wasn't his intention to come across as purely looking to hook up as the ultimate goal of bringing her over, but she explained that his actions makes it hard for her to believe otherwise (amen, sister). 

I firmly told L that the very fact that he wanted to bring her over on the 3rd date is giving off that intention, and that I've already warned him about it. I did say that while it was partly miscommunication, I completely empathise with the girl and would feel really creeped out in that situation, giving that the location of the date wasn't neutral and it would make me feel scared to say no given I was someone else's territory, someone who despite saying he has no intentions of hooking up, is also the same person who asked me a pretty vulgar question. 

L said that he hated the way that women always seem to see him in a negative light and would always assume that he has bad intentions, and that one of his biggest insecurities is for someone to regard him as creepy and doing things with an ulterior motive when he has none. L hated to be painted in that light, and while he feels guilty about coming across as that, I could definitely also sense some resentment too. 

This brought me back to a few months ago when he also came to me asking for relationship advice when he fell hard for my work bestie and how he wanted to confess to her and ask her out. I begged him to take it slow, as it has been less than 10 days since they first met and they've only been on ONE one-on-one coffee catch-up so far. I told him how as a girl, I would feel really creeped out and uncomfortable if someone from work sprung this up on me when we aren't even that close. (Similar to this story, he did not listen to me and rushed this question and of course, got rejected). 

I would never say this to him in person, but how could you say you hate that you're victimised by the opposite sex because they always think that you're coming across as creepy and with ulterior intentions, when you aren't even willing to listen to the opinion of your friend of that sex, telling you how the situation will be interpreted from a woman's perspective? 

He also complained that it seems he every one just regards him with weariness and thinks that he gives off "creepy" vibes, and stated an example of he hates that he can't walk down the street with his hoodie up without women fearing him and looking back their shoulders because of his skin colour. I had to interject him there and said that I don't think it has anything to do with his skin colour, and that given that same situation, I would definitely have a higher situational awareness and keep my guards up if a man was walking behind me on the streets despite of their race. 

L interrupted me and said that: "Yeah, I know you won't, but I'm saying most women would, and that frustrates me. I hate that people just assume things about me."

I didn't really bother to expand on that subject anymore because I realised it's a futile effort and a waste of my breath. I cannot sum into words the fear women have doing banal things men take for granted, when simple things like walking down the street could cost us our lives if we're not careful enough. I didn't even want to go into my experience of walking towards my parked car at a dark parking lot one night and a man stepped out from his car next to me, and how paralyzed and helpless I felt, and how I thought I was going to die. My car was isolated at the very far end of the carpark, and there were two men, one of which stepped out of the car and talked to me while the other stared intensely from the driver's seat. In retrospect, they were car smashers and my car was very close to getting smashed if I haven't appeared in time). 

There are no words to describe what is at stake for us when we don't take precautions because while it's not all men, there's always going to be some that will taint the whole experience for us. I just felt really tired of even having this conversation in the first place, and even having to affirm to him that he really isn't a bad guy and that I know he does not have bad intentions. 

Maybe one day I'll try to explain women's perspective to him, when he stops dismissing the opinion of the same sex that he wants to not fear him.