The power of your silence

 

Being a recovering people pleaser, I often find the need to overcompensate when the situation gets awkwardly silent (that awkward part is most probably conjured up in my own head). I can't bear silence between people and would often break it by oversharing things about myself, or pointing out the obvious like the weather. Yes, it seems I've regressed into THAT type of person.....

How I started breaking this pattern is actually a pretty pathetic one, but in retrospect I feel like that was probably the reason why this person was brought into my life- for better or for worse. I used to be really close to someone I met through work, and we would share things from our deepest secrets to banal everyday occurrences like our bowel movements. For reasons I don't quite fully understand, we drifted apart one day with just a snap of a finger, and the urge to continue updating him about my life and asking for his opinion haunted me everyday. 

As grentperez's song "Absence of You" lyrics go, "I let you keep your distance, but I hated keeping mine", I was struggling to cope with having no one to talk about my day to. I embarrassingly broke no contact several times by texting him about random things, but I could definitely tell that the vibe between is off. Yes, I have plenty of other friends at work, but I really just wanted to talk to him because it was somehow different than everyone else. With the hot desking nature of our workplace, there were days when we would sit across one another in the office, or days when I would have to pass by his desk as I walk towards the kitchen to fill up my water bottle. 

At that point, I still could not cope with the tension in the air as I pass by his desk without at least acknowledging his existence or talking to him. Offering of chocolates or baked goods as I passed by his desk, or just small talks like "Since when do you come in the office so early?" were always dished out each encounter with him. The sad part is that at that time, I realised that the measly amount of effort I put in to attempt to break the awkwardness was never reciprocated on his end, even though the situation was presented in the same way to him (e.g: mutual ignorance). There were numerous times when I almost cracked and wanted to text him: "Hey, could we have a sit down and just talk about us?" (CRINGEEEEEEE I can't even bear to type out this sentence right now, I can't believe I was about to utter these words in the past.)

I would like to thank the women on TikTok for shaking me awake as they preach about reserving your energy for people who actually deserves and reciprocates it, and that the best thing you could do to someone who has cut you off energetically is to just remove yourself from them and to stop depleting your energy on them. Special shoutout to the "Let Them" theory by Mel Robbins (I love you, madam!)

The next time I saw him, we were all gathered around the office kitchen area for a farewell of a mutual colleague of ours. I did not deliberately avoid him at the start, as I genuinely didn't see him until about 5 minutes into the event. When I did, a part of me really wanted to go over to break the awkwardness between us because we were close enough to interact if we really wanted to. I didn't want to appear standoffish or rude by ignoring his presence, especially given he was in conversation with one of our mutual friends and in the past, I would've went towards them in a heartbeat to chat. 

Something switched in me that day, and somehow I resisted the urge to please and assuage everyone around me that everything is fine between us. Some people have already pointed out to me that they barely see him and I hanging out/talking anymore, but I realised that my peace of mind is worth a lot more than putting up a front for people to "prove" that nothing's wrong with our friendship. The other reason why I never went up to him that day was also because I realised after weeks of no contact/ small talk with him, I actually have NOTHING to say to him anymore. 

The things I would normally share with him I've either shared with others, written on my journal, this blog or my Notes app on my phone. I don't know how long down the line ago was this, but it turns out I've gotten used to drifting apart with him and his absence in my life is slowly but surely not affecting me as much as it used to. Since I had nothing to share with him, I diverted my attention to others around me as I figured that if he really had something pressing to mention to me, he can come over himself and that I'm sick of chasing someone who doesn't even bother turning back to give me a second glance. 

I say this with absolutely no malice, but with nothing but the peace of understanding that it's fine if people drift apart, and that you don't have to always try so hard to get things back to what it was used to. I was in a desperate state to maintain homeostasis, but forgot the fact that sometimes change- no matter how abrupt or "negative" it may sound- is necessary for us to evolve into something better.

As you could already guess, he did not approach me and I was surprisingly fine with that. After that incident, the trajectory of my life changed. I found no need to fill the void of silence with my own insecure voice that adds nothing of value to the conversation. I bumped into him during another food-related event at work. There were over 60 or so people in attendance and the both of us were in close proximity one time while he was at the kitchen sink (not sure what he was doing) and I was at the kitchen bin chucking away some trash. 

Once again, silence. This time however, I did not perceive it as awkward silence but a rather comfortable one. What's more normal than two acquaintances not talking to one another because they're not really that close and hence don't really find the need to? I now get the beauty of "If you have nothing to say, then just say nothing at all." 

During that same event, my work friend and another work friend who have never met before introduced each other and went into the whole rigmarole of "Oh hey there, sorry I don't know your name....", "Yeah we've just been talking to one another but I never asked haha..." To be honest, I was this close *visualise the pinching finger motion with the thumb and index finger width less than 0.05mm apart*

to justifying my lack of action as their mutual friend and wanted to scramble and say something along the lines of: "Oh my God, this is my bad! I should've introduced you guys to each other! So sorry I didn't do that, I've actually been told off a few times by others that I always forget to do this haha!"

But instead, I just stayed silent because even if I rambled on about my mistake as their mutual, what is that going to change except divert their attention to me scrambling for words and apologising for something I really don't have to be apologising for? They've already introduced themselves to each other, great, now zip it. 

Maybe it's just my own perception, but I could definitely feel my power and energy coming back to myself the more grounded I am and the less I have to overjustify/ overcompensate myself. The next time you interact with me and I'm not as talkative as I usually am, do know that that's probably the reason and I do not find the silence between us awkward. If I do have something to say to you, rest assure that I will, as at the end of the day, I'm still a yapper girl hehe! :)