Am I actually a sociable person?

 I had a rather interesting conversation with my friends at work during lunch the other day. I was asking them if the two of them will be going to the graduate lawn bowls event after work and while the both of them said no and asked me the same, I replied that I would be there. 

Friend 1: "Oh wow Cheryl, you're quite sociable then huh? Because you always go to the social events after work. Like you did that as well last time!"

I blurted out my first thought on that: "Noooo! I'm only forcing myself to attend these to get out more lollll!" I reflected on that statement after lunch and realised how true that is. Unless it's my close friends or if I was the one that initiated it, most of the times I'm only going to events I'm invited to purely to network. 

I remember doing the *iconic* MBTI test and finding out I'm at least 60% extroverted, but I wonder if it accounts for social events I only went to because I have FOMO. I've never felt the need to expand my social network before high school, but ever since uni I started to care more about who I know, whose parties I'm invited to (every now and then I still feel really annoyed with myself for not going to a rich girl's yatch party that is 100% paid for- food, drinks and fare), if I had any friends I could go to interesting events such as bottomless brunches, artist-specific clubbing events with. 

I always tend to get really frustrated with myself whenever I reject going out with friends just because I didn't feel like it, but seeing mutuals' stories of all of them having the time of their lives a few hours later will send me down a spiral of feeling as if I'm unworthy of ever getting invited again, and my mind will completely skip past the fact that I HAD been invited in the first place.

So I guess more fundamentally, it's not just that I have FOMO, but the fact that once they find out how little my absence affects them, the least likely I'll ever get invited to anything again. I know that this is an irrational thought, but I'm known for overthinking and spiralling a single thought into a whole scenario. 

I think this is how I started going to any events I get invited to, out of the fear of forever losing a friendship, as if the whole relationship existed on the sole basis of me showing up or not. The thought of regretting things I've potentially missed out on scares me more than inaction.

The real question is: do I actually enjoy myself after going out and socialising? 100% yes. I often tend to come back from said social events happier than I ever was before I left the house, recharged by human interaction but needing a few days to cool off before I restart this whole ordeal again. In summary, my mood whenever I go out is roughly the shape of a typical hill you would draw in primary school: peaking at the middle and sloping downwards on either end. 

Most recently, I think the one event I really unexpectedly enjoyed was one of my colleagues' (barely knew him tbh) going-away drinks. I barely knew anyone there but had really interesting conversations with people after a few drinks loosened me up. and even got shouted drinks by some of them! :) Another one that I really had fun that I initially expected to be awkward and excrutiating to get through was when I went out with my ex-coworkers for a random catch-up at night. Driving around aimlessly for hours, having pasta and dessert pizza while enjoying the cooling night breeze at Sorrento Quay honestly became one of my core memories now as it was giving main character vibes (see below). 

If you finished reading to this part and you're not my close friend (at this stage in my life I think I only consider about 2-3 people my close friends), just know that before we meet I was really dreading going outside but every time after, I'll no doubt feel much more energised and happier by your presence! :) 

(Maybe I AM an extrovert after all? Because don't extroverts feed off other people's energy?  But why don't I initially want to leave the house? Idk lol but as I'm writing this, I have that lawn bowls event next Friday that I'm dreading now but I know will enjoy down the track so I'll keep you guys updated! )